Unsure about transsexuality after HRT

Unsure about transsexuality after HRT

by deedee Published on Thu Oct 15, 2009 4:11 pm Rift: Medical & Science

I am putting forth my circumstance below to learn what would be the most appropriate way to address my circumstance. What would you would do if you were in my position? Any non-judgmental advice would be greatly appreciated.

After months of HRT, I am not sure I am transsexual (MTF).

Well, let's start from the beginning. As a 3 or 4 year old boy, I recognized that the world restricted my freedom of gender expression. I was denied the beautiful things in life. I knew something was amiss, but I could not pinpoint or articulate it. When I was 6 or 7, I started "exploring" sexually (I know that is early!). However, in all of my "exploration", I needed to pretend to be the damsel in distress, in my mind. It was more like a fantasy, or so I thought. Then puberty hit me very hard - I hated the way I looked, hated body hair, hated my hair loss, my big nose, my dense facial hair, and many more things about my body (but not my male sex organs). Pretending to be a girl in private, locked in my room, was the only way I could cope with how horrible I felt about myself. By 13 or 14, the "exploration" turned "sexual", and I needed to pretend to be a girl for sexual arousal (I did not need to imagine a partner; just me as female, although I was still aroused by women). The frequent private cross dressing continued through my early and mid 20s, ruining my dating life. I was short and bald and hairy and ugly!

By 28,I had a serious health trouble, which totally shook me up. I wanted to live a more fulfilled life. A few months into recovery, I approached someone who did a fantasy makeover for me. I looked beautiful, as a girl! A wig and a little makeup does wonders for me - I transform from a horrendously ugly crocodile into a beautiful swan. I began to meet people as a girl. Everyone I met appreciated how beautiful I looked. Beautiful, yes, but still looked like a guy in women's clothing. However, I incorrectly assumed that I pass as female. Then came the shocker - I do not pass. I was humiliated in public a few times before I realized this. I started therapy.

I guess I needed therapy to overcome the public humiliation and to get back to reality. However, therapy pushed me towards transition. I think the therapist thought, "perhaps she is afraid to say so but what she wants are hormones, which I authorize for most of my clients who start off like her". I was curious too, to find out if HRT would help me feel better about my gender situation. I started HRT, only to stop 4 months later because I felt wrong about "destroying" my reproductive system, although I had preserved sperm before I started. I felt wrong because I no longer had the urge to cross dress and present as female. However, stopping HRT made my tiny new hair fall away, the hair that HRT had triggered to grow. I felt uglier than ever before. I needed to cross dress more often. There's nothing wrong with cross dressing, but cross dressing began to eat my life away.

Two months later, I restarted HRT, because I wanted to retain my androgynous features, including my tiny new hair, and to cope with my intense urge to cross dress. However, I started a lower dosage of HRT, to be able to reverse damage to my reproductive organs, if needed. It has been six months since then. In the meantime, I switched to another therapist. I needed a different perspective. I wanted to know if I am crazy, if I am not seeing reality clearly. I wanted to know if I am just a sexual fetishist, not really transsexual (note: there's nothing wrong with sexual fetishism). Did I take a childhood rebellion or a sexual fantasy too far? I do not have accurate answers to those questions. However, the new therapist too seems to be pushing me towards transition. He probably assumes, "if she looks so good without hormones, perhaps she will be very happy and fulfilled with hormones and surgery".

However, I am confused -

When I am on HRT, I have no need to cross dress. I can present as a guy and be very happy. I do not feel like getting any feminizing surgeries. Even laser/electrolysis seem like a mistake. I want to be a dad (I would love to see my own child grow up, guide him/her through life), so I date. Even my dating life significantly improves as the women find my self-confidence attractive. The reduced body hair and the tiny new hair on my head also add to my happiness. However, this path is contradictory, at least in the medical and social context in my area of the world - if I continue HRT for too long, I may not pass as a "guy" for too long, and I may never find a female partner, and I may never become a dad/parent.

When I am not on HRT, I have an intense need to cross dress. I feel horrible and I hate my own body. I feel the intense need to transition and go full-time presenting as female. I feel the need to get the surgeries done. I even got my name changed when I felt this way when I was restarting my HRT six months ago.

I am confused about my gender situation.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I wonder sometimes - Is my real problem baldness and body hair? Or is it a genuine transsexualism? Is my gender confusion intertwined with my sexual arousal, or is it a mere coincidence that testosterone affects both gender and sexual arousal? For those who know for sure that they are transsexual, how do they know?

The gender therapists seem to push me towards transition without addressing my confusion and providing clarity, while the other mental health professionals do not seem to understand gender topics and they refer me back to gender therapists. Hence I am unable to get the right kind of help.

I hope to hear other perspectives and experiences. Please no personal attacks.

[KellyAnn]

First of all, I'd find a new therapist if you're not happy. Realize doctors have a profession just like any other. Hey, if you were unhappy with your plumber, you'd just find a new one.

I can't relate to your exact situation, as my own desires to cross-dress mostly died by the time I was 20. In fact, when I started transition, dressing as a girl and wearing makeup only made me feel awkward and "unnatural" (how ironic is that?!).

But I still have a couple things to say.

First of all, fear of the permanent change you go through while on HRT is completely natural. When I first started at 20, I remember thinking "How Darwinian is this? I'm so messed up I'm knocking myself completely out of the human race" LOL. But somewhere there's a little frozen deedee popsicle so I wouldn't fret!

Secondly, it's natural to lose strong sexual desires on HRT. Personally, I feel they simply help change from strong, directed "male desire" to a richer and more complex "female desire".

Thirdly, I'm a straight transsexual woman and I want a family too! I even tried a LTR with a woman to fulfill my dreams of having a litle girl =). Everyone wants the white picket fence. Someone to come home to, to care for, to love. In the beginning, I thought transition would be the end of all hope for that kind of life! But it's just not true.

The real question I would ask yourself then, is what do you want? How do you feel about yourself?

I would take some time for serious self-examiniation. While it's true, any time you spend hesitating may be time you later regret (I'm a prime example!), I don't believe it's appropriate to begin transtion until you fully understand not only the consequences... but who you are at your core! Remember it's not just about your body.

In reality, hormones have a very minor affect on your body. The real journey is one of the soul. I strongly feel that "You Know When You Know". When your "bell goes off" so to speak. The trick is to reach that kind of understanding without being misguided by fear and the opinions of others.

If I were you, I would find my center. My inner spirit. Don't think about what you want for your life, what your body looks like, how you feel sexually about men or women. Think about who you really are and how you feel. Sure you want a woman's body. But would you be happy being a woman at 50? 70?

Anyway, that was what helped guide me and that's the only thing I can suggest. There are plenty of people who are happy crossdressing as a fetish. And, believe it or not, it's a much more empowered life. Not all transsexual women pass. As a crossdresser you get the priveldge of keeping that aspect of your life private. And a lot of girls are okay with it. All the ones in my life were (they had to be! LOL!).

On a side note, if you want to know wheter or not you pass, as an *honest* friend or maybe even another transsexual girl. Friends can actually be "overly supportive" at times and what you really need is the truth. Kind lies aren't going to help you when you try to get that first job as a full-time woman!

Just an opinion.. like I said I only know myself. I'm sure other girls have better suggestions =)
-Kelly

[Liv]

I think your therapist is on the right track....

I think what you're experiencing is a combination of "Fear", and "Regret" both in the current sense, and the possibility that you may make the wrong decision.

The problem with fear is it keeps us from accomplishing anything. Forget being a parent, forget everything else, and concentrate on who you are. All those other issues need to be sidelined till you figure out who you are.

[Nythillie]

Have you considered the possibility that you'd be happy presenting as gender queer? Do you have to fit "in the box"? (Totally fine if you do.) Gender queer people often times see their selves as having either their own gender or fully reject the notion of gender. Prehaps its a thought to consider?

[anotherview]

I had a similar situation to you, with different story of the latter part. There's certainly some degree of fetishism for sure, based on my recent research from the Internet. Your story is similar to mine except for one: I don't go out in women's clothing, rather I do it in private. But now, I'm not going to talk too much about my situation, but rather your situation.

There are some introspective questions that you can also use for yourself. The main objective is actually to really listen to your inner self, your inner heart. As you know, many modern people don't really listen to themselves, due to massive amount of information they receive every day, and often we don't really know what our own voice is. Many times, we need to sit back and relax and find out our inner voice.
Some questions which you can easily develop on your own:
1. Do I really want to be a girl with all the consequences (the unpleasant part of being a girl)?
2. Why do I want to be a girl? What attracts me the most in being a girl? Is that a correct reason to be a girl?
3. Is it really unbearable to live not as a girl?
4. What will you feel if I can live my life as a girl, but without those beautiful things that many other girls enjoy? Do I think living as female is identical to beautiful things, or is there really a more important essence that I haven't known?
5. Do I really want to have the surgery and be transformed into a girl? Do I want to be an imperfect girl (as the result of the surgery) or the real biological girl?
[add your own expanded questions here...]

Those questions can help you find out what you really need. I wish you best of luck and hope the best for you.

[Guest]

I am putting forth my circumstance below to learn what would be the most appropriate way to address my circumstance. What would you would do if you were in my position? Any non-judgmental advice would be greatly appreciated.

After months of HRT, I am not sure I am transsexual (MTF).

Well, let's start from the beginning. As a 3 or 4 year old boy, I recognized that the world restricted my freedom of gender expression. I was denied the beautiful things in life. I knew something was amiss, but I could not pinpoint or articulate it. When I was 6 or 7, I started "exploring" sexually (I know that is early!). However, in all of my "exploration", I needed to pretend to be the damsel in distress, in my mind. It was more like a fantasy, or so I thought. Then puberty hit me very hard - I hated the way I looked, hated body hair, hated my hair loss, my big nose, my dense facial hair, and many more things about my body (but not my male sex organs). Pretending to be a girl in private, locked in my room, was the only way I could cope with how horrible I felt about myself. By 13 or 14, the "exploration" turned "sexual", and I needed to pretend to be a girl for sexual arousal (I did not need to imagine a partner; just me as female, although I was still aroused by women). The frequent private cross dressing continued through my early and mid 20s, ruining my dating life. I was short and bald and hairy and ugly!

By 28,I had a serious health trouble, which totally shook me up. I wanted to live a more fulfilled life. A few months into recovery, I approached someone who did a fantasy makeover for me. I looked beautiful, as a girl! A wig and a little makeup does wonders for me - I transform from a horrendously ugly crocodile into a beautiful swan. I began to meet people as a girl. Everyone I met appreciated how beautiful I looked. Beautiful, yes, but still looked like a guy in women's clothing. However, I incorrectly assumed that I pass as female. Then came the shocker - I do not pass. I was humiliated in public a few times before I realized this. I started therapy.

I guess I needed therapy to overcome the public humiliation and to get back to reality. However, therapy pushed me towards transition. I think the therapist thought, "perhaps she is afraid to say so but what she wants are hormones, which I authorize for most of my clients who start off like her". I was curious too, to find out if HRT would help me feel better about my gender situation. I started HRT, only to stop 4 months later because I felt wrong about "destroying" my reproductive system, although I had preserved sperm before I started. I felt wrong because I no longer had the urge to cross dress and present as female. However, stopping HRT made my tiny new hair fall away, the hair that HRT had triggered to grow. I felt uglier than ever before. I needed to cross dress more often. There's nothing wrong with cross dressing, but cross dressing began to eat my life away.

Two months later, I restarted HRT, because I wanted to retain my androgynous features, including my tiny new hair, and to cope with my intense urge to cross dress. However, I started a lower dosage of HRT, to be able to reverse damage to my reproductive organs, if needed. It has been six months since then. In the meantime, I switched to another therapist. I needed a different perspective. I wanted to know if I am crazy, if I am not seeing reality clearly. I wanted to know if I am just a sexual fetishist, not really transsexual (note: there's nothing wrong with sexual fetishism). Did I take a childhood rebellion or a sexual fantasy too far? I do not have accurate answers to those questions. However, the new therapist too seems to be pushing me towards transition. He probably assumes, "if she looks so good without hormones, perhaps she will be very happy and fulfilled with hormones and surgery".

However, I am confused -

When I am on HRT, I have no need to cross dress. I can present as a guy and be very happy. I do not feel like getting any feminizing surgeries. Even laser/electrolysis seem like a mistake. I want to be a dad (I would love to see my own child grow up, guide him/her through life), so I date. Even my dating life significantly improves as the women find my self-confidence attractive. The reduced body hair and the tiny new hair on my head also add to my happiness. However, this path is contradictory, at least in the medical and social context in my area of the world - if I continue HRT for too long, I may not pass as a "guy" for too long, and I may never find a female partner, and I may never become a dad/parent.

When I am not on HRT, I have an intense need to cross dress. I feel horrible and I hate my own body. I feel the intense need to transition and go full-time presenting as female. I feel the need to get the surgeries done. I even got my name changed when I felt this way when I was restarting my HRT six months ago.

I am confused about my gender situation.

What would you do if you were in my situation?

I wonder sometimes - Is my real problem baldness and body hair? Or is it a genuine transsexualism? Is my gender confusion intertwined with my sexual arousal, or is it a mere coincidence that testosterone affects both gender and sexual arousal? For those who know for sure that they are transsexual, how do they know?

The gender therapists seem to push me towards transition without addressing my confusion and providing clarity, while the other mental health professionals do not seem to understand gender topics and they refer me back to gender therapists. Hence I am unable to get the right kind of help.

I hope to hear other perspectives and experiences. Please no personal attacks.

The depth and point at which our feelings relaxed are dissimilar for you and I, but even so, the yo yo effect was alive and well. I hope my own conclusions can aid you towards insight. I don't know what to say in regards to your desire to be a father or sexual arousal as neither of those topics have even been an issue with me personally. But at least in regards to your questioning the authenticity of your own transsexualism I feel I can comment because that was a very important stage in my transitioning.

When I first began to transition I met a similar wall to the one you described. About six months into HRT the intense need to transition subsided to the point where wondered if there was still good reason to continue. The feelings had assuaged so much that they were virtually non existent. I was ok in public and I didn't cringe as much presenting as a guy (tbh, I was far from masculine looking so Im sure that helped). I mean it was definitely easier to not deal with it in the first place. We all know how expensive it is, and if I wasn't feeling miserable any longer so why I would I go further in my transition? At least that was my reasoning so I stopped HRT, but unfortunately, the easy road was a short one because almost immediately after ceasing my progress the relentless need to transition was back in full strength.

It was stressful and confusing. I remember it so well and .. ugh. What an odd sort of questions we must ask ourselves.

Anyways, one night over some glasses of wine I was venting to a friend of mine about it. I told her basically the same thing I wrote above. Her reply however was one of those profoundly simple and elegant answers that resonated to the core of the issue. She looked at me curiously and said, " But it doesn't feel like anything to be a woman, I just am".

It was like a brick in my face.

The longing I was experiencing prior to transitioning was the acute pain of living in incongruity. Once the incongruity was fixed, the acute pain faded away. But since I had lived so long with this ache in my soul I was actually wondered if my transsexualism had faded as well. It was a significant and unexpected crossroads and my questions were very similar to yours. And as it turns out I was just as much a transsexual than ever, it was just that I felt like a normal person and normal doesn't feel like much of anything at all. It was very anti-climatic.

Sometimes the most effective barometer we possess is discontent. Your lungs only burn when you need breath, otherwise you can feel them not at all. Our sense of well-being seems to work similarly in a good many ways.

There were also other elements involved that Ive since brought into clarity like the separation of gender and gender performance. But the brunt of my change came from exactly what I wrote and the words my friend said to me. I'm not sure if that will help you, but hopefully it was a slightly different perspective than one you've heard before.

[deedee]

Kelly,

Thank you for your thoughtful response after comprehending my situation very well!

You are right, I should find another therapist. I would have done that. However, I am afraid that a third therapist would end up the same way as the first two, unless I change the way I present before them. They are human beings too and they have the same flaws as the rest of us have. I have met both therapists as female; never as male. I present quite well as female. They assume that because I look attractive as female, I would be very happy after transition. Hence they push me towards transition. They do not wait to imagine that I am not sure about transition. They do not understand that I am totally confused. I would like to meet them as male, just to change their perspective. However, I am uncomfortable letting anyone see my hair loss. I have hair filling in now, fine hair, but it will take time. It is my biggest insecurity, a mental block - I do not want people who know me as a balding guy to know that I have a gender issue and vice versa (I do not want people who know that I have a gender issue to see me with hair loss). I guess I may be a bit more comfortable in about 2 more months, when I get lots more hair.

That brings me to baldness. I had so much hair as a child that it was unmanageable. Although I had a fuzzy feeling of gender incongruity since early childhood, it began to affect me only when I began to lose my hair. I was horrified. It increased as I lost more hair. HRT was one way to restore my own hair. It is working very well. I have observed that many trans-women have specific things they hated about their male bodies - male organs, or lack of breasts, or body hair, or facial hair, or bone structures, or body odor, or ... many other things - and in my case it was hair loss. It was the worst thing ever! It makes me wonder if my gender issue was about hair loss, although I know that I had a gender issue a decade before my hair loss started.

However, the longer I stay on HRT, the more important the other topics become ...

... Those other topics while on HRT - very similar to the statements you made - include knocking my family's genes into extinction, wanting to be a parent to my own child, wanting to have my own little family, etc - plus many more. I am also scared to death of surgery. I never hated my male organ and I am afraid that I will be unhappy with the new structure after SRS (if I ever go through with it). I am scared that I may not find a female partner who would be willing to create a little deedee mixture from the frozen popsicles. My parents still do not know about my transition, although they know about my gender trouble, and I fear rejection once the truth comes out. My friends will also reject me. Hell, many already reject me now that I lost my job. There are many more things. Plus, just as you mention, I feel totally unnatural dressing up, wearing wigs, or wearing makeup to present as female. I hate having to do that to go out. I feel like a scam. At the same time, I would not pass as female without a little faking.

I hope your statement stands true for me - that transition would not be the end of all hope for a life with a woman who would want to have a family with me.

The real question I would ask yourself then, is what do you want? How do you feel about yourself?

The problem I have is that the answer to these questions change depending on whether I am on HRT or not. I am unable to look deeper beyond the screen that hormones are creating for me.

While you say that any time spent hesitating now may be time I would regret later, I think that any time I don't spend re-evaluating now may be the time I would regret later. I am exactly the same age as you are now. While it is already too late for me to have some of the benefits of pre-21 transition, I do not think I will miss out on anything more by waiting for a few more years.

I agree that I should think about who I really am. After going back and forth on HRT, I am not sure.

While I am on HRT, I am not sure my outward gender makes a difference to my gender issue. I know for sure that I do not fit in the male world. I have no clue what it means to be female, because I have no tangible or abstract emotional concept of the female human experience, only some stereotypes that the world has presented to me which I do not trust. Just because I do not fit into the male world, it does not mean that I fit into the female world. Also, just because I do not fit into the male world, it does not mean that I have to change my body. I never fit into the male world and yet survived without any trouble. I also have no urge to present as female. I really don't care about my outward gender. All this while I am on HRT. And yet, when I go off HRT, I feel like a fish out of water.

Perhaps I need the water then, I mean HRT. I realize that I need it only when I don't have it. However, I may not need to fully transition. I am not sure yet. Perhaps I should take this one step at a time.

And yet I feel pressured by the world around me to make a decision quickly. My dating life depends on it. "Are you going to be a guy or a girl?" "Are you going to get rid of you <male thing> and get a <female thing>?" Without answers to such questions, no potential female mate is interested in me. They do not like the uncertainty about impending changes in the future. They all claim to be spontaneous, but they are only spontaneous about their own right to change their mind, not about the rights of someone else to change his/her mind. I understand that changes in me will affect them, and I empathize. Then there are the frozen popsicles, who go through a lot of bitter cold weather for my sake. I owe it to them to make up my mind soon. What if an earthquake or a fire destroys them? And what if I lose them and go sterile too?

I would not be a happy man or woman at 50 or 70, if I do not accomplish the things I want to - family, kids, career, interests, hobbies, friendships, relationships, etc, without losing myself, my integrity, my enthusiasm for life, etc. There are lots of things that make me ME. Gender is one of those things, but gender is not everything. I cannot lose everything else for the sake of gender. If I lose these things and become a 50 year old woman, I might kill myself. If I lose none of these things and become a 50 year old man, I might not kill myself, but I would be a sad sad sad man, regretting every moment that I did nothing about my gender when I was younger and kill myself well before I become 70. Gender is very important to me, but I want the rest too. Yes, I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

I am not sure how my gender fits in or should fit in, though. Must I really have a gender? I wish I did not have to. I think that genetic males and genetic females have their own identities, none of them exactly matching the binary categories of society, but most of them close enough to the binary to go with the binary system without complaints. The rest of us have a bigger incongruence with the binary. We live in distress and some of us change over some aspects of our bodies and our lives to feel more congruent with one or the other binary category. If society had imposed no gender-specific concepts on us, would we still want to change our genders? I do not have the answer to that. We are all influenced by both nature and nurture. Because we cannot eliminate either to study one influence in isolation, we can't really tell for sure.

By the way, I found this interesting article that I tend to agree with http://www.ontheissuesmagazine.com/2009 ... assibi.php
I wish that the medical community soon invents a way to complete the entire reproductive process outside the human body. It would solve some of my most major problems with transition.

So, I am stuck in the middle. I do not want to make a decision that I would regret later. I want to be sure before jumping deep into transition. However, I feel pressured to make a decision soon. At present, HRT appears to hold me away from gender distress. I have a time window which seems to be getting smaller as HRT make changes to my body. I need to decide, soon.