Confused 18 year old. . . f2m

Confused 18 year old. . . f2m

by Ace2442 Published on Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:48 pm Rift: Advice & Guidance

I am sorry if anything i say offends anyone. If so please tell me ill apologize. Well i am 18 years old, and just came out of the closet as being a lesbian. My mom found out when she got suspicious of me and my girlfriend [she was right] My mom is very controleing, and . . . a complete homophob. So when she found out she flipped out at me and said how disgusting , and gross it was. etc etc the horid comments could go on. So i knew if i really told her how confused i was about my gender she would shun me, and so would the rest of my homophobic family. My whole life i allways felt like one of the guys never felt like a littel girl once. So ever since i have been sexualy active with my girlfriend its bothering me more, and more everyday how trapped and out of place i feel. I feel like sutch a guy inside but on the outside im [not trying to sound arragant] very attractive girl. I ware makeup and try my best to look pretty. But i feel like if i was a man i would be so mutch more happyer with life. I told my girlfriend and she said she would still love me and be with me no matter what. But i know deep down she wants to be with a girl even if she says that. And i also know i would have to restart my life if i got surgery. I wouldn't be able to talk to family anymore, and some friends. I was just wondering if anyone could give me more details on the surgery? Some advice...or like a similar story cause to be honnest feel slightly alone, and confused right now because no one i know feels this way or has. Oh p.s. i know my spelling, and grammer stinks i typ fast and dont proof read. Im really new to all of this. . .so...any sugestions i dont know

[spacial]

You seem to have a promising relationship with your girlfriend.

Such relationships are hard to find and really should be treasured.

Do you really want to sacrifice this?

[KellyAnn]

I don't know about your exact situation, being a transsexual woman. But I can tell you from experience that a relationship won't be saved by your willingness to compromise your identity.

I just ended a five year relationship with my fiancee. She was a kind, caring woman who supported me throught he beginning of transition. We both knew it was a poor match sexually, but we tried to make it work all the same out of our love and compassion for one another. She wanted a man.

Hey so did I XD!

If this really is who you are, the more you hide your true identity, the more miserable you're going to be. And the more miserable YOU are, the more miserable your girlfriend will be too.

My suggestion is to not ignore this. But to also GO EASY ON HER. Don't forget this isn't just about you. If she's part of your life, she's going to have to go through "transition" too. Don't assume the focus should always be on you. Don't constantly lean on her for support without returning it. Don't forget she's a human being too and deserves the same kind of love and appreciation you gave her before.

And you never know. Your relationship might not end. It could grow and develop into something more. On the other hand, if it does end, it was meant to be.

If this is really who you are, it will never go away. It's a part of you forever. Unless you really, really feel like that's something you can hide for the rest of your life, I'd suggest you find some way of dealing with. At least talk to someone, for sure. And bring your girlfriend into it too. She'll need someone to talk to ask well...

-Kelly

[James]

I am going to be honest with you the first year of transition can be very very trying on relationships. This does not mean that you forgo your own happiness to keep your partner happy. What happens then is you end up resenting them, and they resent you for resenting them and just trying to be happy. This is good for no one.

Also family can be difficult no matter who you are, and you need to think about who you are inside. There is a saying though not exactly related it is related. You just don't understand anything about the gay community until you have one in your family. This is true, your family may not be accepting but they might turn around. They know you as a person, this is the first biggest step to gain acceptance. You do not need to be I'm here I'm here and I'm trans biotches accept it! You can be but you don't need to be, remind them that you are their family member and you love them even if they don't completely accept you.

The MOST important thing to do through all of this is get a good psychologist, and be honest about how you are feeling about how transition is going about how your family and friends are reacting. They will be best able to help you through all of this.

There are several surgical options for f2m people and there are of course benefits and cons to all of them. I would suggest looking these terms up and doing some research, no one can tell you which of the surgical procedures would be best for you, that is something that you and your doctor need to discuss.

The top surgery is basically an extreme reduction, I say extreme because most people who undergo breast reduction are not looking to have their breasts completely removed. It is a fairly standard procedure and is done pretty much the same for most people.

There are several options for bottom surgery and these include; Phaloplasty, Metoidioplasty, and Centurion (possibly). There are articles and various all over the internet about the pros and cons of these procedures including detailed descriptions of each.

Also here is a website where you can view pre and post op pictures of the various different procedures to give you a better idea. http://www.transster.com/ Caution these are graphic pictures.

Another resource is this: http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/phalloentry2-2

At the end of your life when you are laying there at night will you be happy if this is something you didn't because you wanted to please others? This is because in the end the only person you have to make happy is you.

Good Luck,

James

[AnonyMouse]

You sound a lot like me. I'm somewhere between genderqueer and FTM, and due to several pressures (a conservative Christian family whom I love dearly, a sister who's convinced I'm not a real transsexual and thinks I should just buck the gender binary entirely, general feelings of fear regarding the possibility of transition) I can't seem to tell half the time whether I'm coming or going. I'm 20 years old, and the only thing I've decided for sure is that I am not ready to make a decision. That may be the case with you. Or - and this is the way you sound - you've already decided that you want to transition, but you're worried about facing all the problems that will come with them.

You've got one thing on your side - a girlfriend who supports you. I don't know if your relationship will survive a transition, but she's willing to try, and that's great, so I'm going to move on to your mother.

You haven't mentioned whether you're living at home or not; I'm guessing that you're not, or if you are you're hiding your "lesbianism" from her at every available opportunity. That's a fine solution for the short term, but on a long-term basis you're going to want much more open communication between you and your mother. And I don't just mean about being into women; I mean about everything.

You already know that she's not going to really dig your gender issues, so here's what you have to do: be mature. Reassure your mother that you love her, that you're still a good person, whatever it takes. Then give her an ultimatum (courtesy of Dan Savage): she has one year to be an obnoxious homophobic jerkwad, and after that she will be expected to get used to the idea of you being a lesbian/guy/whatever and at least treat you like a decent human being. If she cannot bring herself to do that, then you're cutting off ties. You will not see her again, you will not be showing up at family get-togethers, and if you ever have kids she can kiss any hope of seeing them good-bye. And hold her to it. Let her be as childish and obnoxious as she wants during the first year, and if she doesn't get her act together, leave.

Parents have a tremendous amount of power over their children. And most of them - especially Christian ones - are accustomed to using that power to get their kids to do whatever they want - follow their rules, conform to their standards, etc. Estranging you when you come out as trans is just another way of using that power. By laying down the law for your mother, you will demonstrate that she no longer has that power and that if she wishes to continue a relationship with you she must begin to treat you as a human being. It may be your first instinct to think "well, I'm the deviant here, so I should just take what I can get and be grateful for it." That's ridiculous. You have just as much right as anyone else to be treated decently. Being trans may be a little weird by some standards, but it causes harm to absolutely no one.