How to establish a good support system?

How to establish a good support system?

by maxieL Published on Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:30 am Rift: Advice & Guidance

Hello, I need some advice. I was recently contacted by my nephew (age 21), asking for help in coming out. He has decided to transition (MTF), and has slowly been telling his family and friends. This will be a BIG surprise to most, and i'm afraid it won't be a good experience for him as the news travels throughout the family grapevine. I feel honored that he came to me for guidance on handling the subject matter with his parents and other family. I want to do all I can to help him build a positive support system around him as he journeys through these changes. I have been doing some research, reading everything I can on the subject matter, and have come up with some concerns that I am not sure how to handle. He has little in the way of friends in the area and doesn't get out much, so he has not been in contact with any of the local scene, which bothers me. He has armed himself with only information he himself has gathered from research, but I think it would do him some good to meet people in the area that are also transgender, to see and get to know some experienced people to add to his support line. Trouble is, I don't know where to find a good support group or information line in our area of Hampton Roads/Peninsula VA so he can talk to people and get answers to his questions or find good ways to answer other people's questions when they come up. The closest ones I find through online research are about 3 hours away. He can't drive, so I need to find something close that I can drive him to. I'm willing to do all I can to help him and be there for him, but I need to know where to start, how and what to do. I have found one nearby club that offers drag shows on the weekends, and we have a night out planned. This will be his first public outing where she is completely free to be herself for a change. I suggested that we do this, and make a celebration out of it. Is that the right way to go about it? I just want to help and want more than anything for her to be happy and FREE. For too long he has been quiet, reserved, and bottled up and I've just been waiting to see WHAT it was in there that it was all about. Now that I know, I can't wait to meet the REAL person in there and see her happy! I need all the recommendations I can get! What to do, what NOT to do, etc. Now that we are talking about this, she sends me pictures, talks to me on the phone alot, and just shares openly now. It's a beautiful thing to finally see the personality blossoming and feeling the difference as she is apparently comfortable in being herself now with me.

I admit that I have my own concerns, and am a little confused about a few things too, but his mother is NOT going to take it well. She wants a good relationship with her children, and has worked very hard over the years to strengthen those bonds. I have laid the foundation for them to talk, but I know her...she will be ok as long as she can sit in denial (she won't want to see him dressed as a woman, but this isn't a matter of cross-dressing). How do we explain to her that this isn't something that can be pulled out when the fancy strikes, that this is truly a life-altering decision? For lack of a better explanation, she is a strict christian conservative, and I'm afraid she will use her faith as the excuse to block acceptance of this. This will be a struggle for her, and I want to be there for them both, and not have to 'choose sides' on this one. I will gladly stand strong against all of the family, making sure that my nephew/niece is not made to feel alienated in any way, but I really want to find a way to help strengthen those family ties, not watch them dissolve over this.

Thanks for ANY advice on these matters that anyone can offer!!!!

Trying to Build Bridges In Virginia

[spacial]

With great respect to your efforts, they seem to me to be attempting to change too much.

You say your nephew doesn't have many friends and doesn't go out much. So, you seem to be trying to change this aspect of your nephew's personality.

Please don't get the impression that I'm criticising or attacking you. You are clearly a wonderful aunt. (I'm assuming you are female. Apologies if I'm incorrect). I know many of us would have loved to have someone like you.

May I suggest that your nephew is embarking upon one of the biggest personality changes of his life. This is perhaps not the best time to be trying to make him sociable.

What he/she will need more than anything now is support. Support that is unconditional.

When someone needs support and what is offered is attempting to change some other aspect of your personality, it leaves you feeling much worse. Quite simply because you are looking for help with one aspect, transisioning in this case, and being given advice is another.

Think of learning to drive. You ask for help with your left turns and are told that your reversing is pretty useless.

What your niece needs is someone who she knows, will accept her entirely as she is. She is a young woman, of 21, just starting to learn all the tricks and manners that you and other women learnt as you were growing up.

How to dress. How to care for your body. How to walk, what to talk about and who to talk to. How to sit. Most importantly, how to be comfortable with herself.

Remember when you were little, your mother showed you how to be a young lady?

There was no alternative. I doubt your mother ever indicated that, if you don't like it or can't do it, then you'll have to be a man!

The encouragement may have, at times, seemed oppressive, but it was always toward that goal of being a young lady. However many tantrums you may have had, I'm pretty sure you knew that she had your best interests at her heart.

This is what your niece needs now.

As her confidence grows, she will take up her life, as a young woman.

May I suggest that, as soon as she is begining to be more relaxed as a young woman, you teach her to drive?

I say this because driving is a wonderful way for shy people to engage with the world, out there, seeing what is going on, being seen, but always having that safe box to retreat to

Her sexuality will be ambiguous for a while. She will be trying to live as a female yet still have many of the sexual frustrations and problems of a male.

Once she starts on transgender medical treatment these will gradually be reduced.

This might be an additional problem for you.

For this, you are simply going to have to be aware and know when to back away for a time.

[KellyAnn]

First of all you kick ass for taking this kind of interest in your niece!

Finding support groups isn't always easy, especially when you don't live near a major city. While "legitimate" support groups like you may find at centers (although I've never been to one) may have the most appropriate setting, other trans women are not always the best people to seek support or advice from. I'm sure I'll get some flak for saying this, but it's true that not all trans girls lead sane, stable lives. She should be careful who she lets into her life.

I'll do some research and ask around on my own... there should be one in Richmond at least but I suppose that's a bit of a drive. Maybe you could drive her to one or two meetings? It may help her make at least a friend or two from the area. Most TG groups only meet once a month anyway.

Does she have a therapist yet? This will be the first step in her transition. It's not just a good idea, it will be necessary to clear any roadblocks for her down the road. If all else fails, I have a number for you but she will only be able to do sessions over the phone.

What else, what else? XD The mom is going to be a bit of a problem, but it's not an uncommon situation. Is planning on starting college any time soon? College is a fantastic environment to transition in. You're away from home, with none of the same pressures. You have a much more accepting environment. And she'll at least have the opportunity to meet more of her peers.

Speaking to her insecurity, by the way, this is completely natural! I was a lot like her when I grew up. Now my friends can't get me to shut the hell up XD. Once she becomes secure and confident in her identity, more and more of her will begin to come out. But it's going to take time. And unfortunately...

Transition SUCKS. It sucks BIG TIME. Yes, yes I know it's a "beautiful time of change" when a girl can "finally be herself" but the reality is it's one of the hardest things a person can ever do in their life! It takes patience, discipline, iron will, and more heart than most people have in a lifetime. There will be many nights of sadness and desperation. Times of feverish anxiety. It may seem to her like she's trying to accomplish the impossible.

Long story short, the night will be long before the dawn.

Just keep reminding her that dawn is there! No one's usually around to pat us on the back and say "You're doing a great job" or "You look better all the time" but this is exactly what she'll need.

She should have a plan of action. Timelines aren't important, but should feel like she's making continual progress. tsroadmap.com is an excellent resource for the practical things she'll need to do if she's not aware of it already.

Plans aside, if you'd like to support her, then please keep encouraging her! Let her know when she's getting closer to her goal. If her voice sounds better, let her know. If she loks beautiful that day, tell her. Those words of encouragement do more good than you may realize =).

I'm not sure how close you two are, but if you can...help her. She may feel frustrated with makeup, unsure of her style, or generally uncomfortable with her new role in the world. If she hasn't gone out presenting as a woman yet, go out with her. Pick a calm, comfortable setting and go out for just a few hours =). My first time was to sit down at a restaurant for just a few hours and have a pizza =)! Try to make it a positive experience and it will serve to reinforce her self-esteem and commitment to transition.

More than anything help her keep up hope! She's still very young, so she may get lucky with a short transition (6-12 months) but for most of us it can takes years (1 1/2 for me but that's very, very lucky)... typically it takes 3-4 years at least.

Don't let her give up her dreams. Nothing is impossible. I've known girls that made it through situations that would *destroy* most human beings .

Just let her know how proud of her you are and that you accept her as your niece and things will be fine =).

And, of course, feel free to have her contact me if she likes =). I'm a 31 year old trans girl from North. Cali. I finally finished my own transition about 3 years ago but the experience is still fairly fresh in my mind. Every one of us has a different experience with transition but sometimes it helps just to have someone you can vent to =).

Thank you for being such an amazing person Maxie!! =)
-Kelly

[KellyAnn]

How to dress. How to care for your body. How to walk, what to talk about and who to talk to. How to sit. Most importantly, how to be comfortable with herself.

Remember when you were little, your mother showed you how to be a young lady?

There was no alternative. I doubt your mother ever indicated that, if you don't like it or can't do it, then you'll have to be a man!

The encouragement may have, at times, seemed oppressive, but it was always toward that goal of being a young lady. However many tantrums you may have had, I'm pretty sure you knew that she had your best interests at her heart.

This is what your niece needs now.

Errrr.... no offense but learning to walk and sit is gonna give you away more than help you out. If she just relaxes and acts natural she'll be fine. If you have broad shoulders, roll them back and try not to fold your arms in front of your chest... but beyond that I wouldn't worry about "how to walk". Girls that sashe their hips and do the "femme walk" just get clocked.

If you really HAVE to change something just think "loosey goosey" XD. Relax and go with the flow =)

I dunno did anyone here have to learn how to walk? That just sounds totally weird to me...

Style is something that comes with time and we all have a different style. As long as you wear more or less appropriate clothes. I wear jeans and a simple top to work. Most women in Cali do the same. Take your queues from girls your age. Or don't! I was a total goth kid growing up... I don't fit in anywhere! =)

But certain styles may definitely help her pass. If she has a high forehead or jutting orbital rims, she'll need bangs (that's what all women with high foreheads do). Deep set eyes can be compensated with the right makeup (don't line the crease and keep eyeliner to the outer 2/3rds). Dresses with the right cut may offset a narrow waist (empire waists are my favorite for this). There are a thousand little tips but she'll pick them up as time goes on =).

I think the key isn't to memorize the book on "being a woman". The key is to get in touch with your heart. Let your spirit guide you. If you can do that, everything else will come natrually. Remember, all women are different. Once she gets over that awkward "intra-transition" hump, she'll be fine =).

But then not all trans girls I've met see eye-to-eye with me on this. For me it was about soul...
-Kelly

[spacial]

Understand your point Kelly Ann

I was thinking more of helping her to build her confidence as a woman.

Males and females are so very different in so many ways.

This niece is shy. The last thing she needs is to go out and have someone say, 'Hey, look at that guy in a dress'

But your points are equally valid. Maxie seems to be a smart, caring person with an open mind. I'm sure she will consider any advice she is offered.

[KellyAnn]

Understand your point Kelly Ann

I was thinking more of helping her to build her confidence as a woman.

Males and females are so very different in so many ways.

This niece is shy. The last thing she needs is to go out and have someone say, 'Hey, look at that guy in a dress'

But your points are equally valid. Maxie seems to be a smart, caring person with an open mind. I'm sure she will consider any advice she is offered.

Oh absolutely! Yeah, I definitely agree. In fact getting that kind of feedback right now could really set her back. I think, especially when you're young, you really need a lot of support and encouragement. I was kinda "dumped into the wild" and it's not something I reccomend if you can avoid it, no matter how shy or outgoing you are =).

I also agree that men and women are very different. What's interesting to me that I tend to be a lot more feminine than most women I've known. The girlfriends (natal girls) I had going through transition always seemed a lot more intersted in getting me to just relax and be myself than anything else.

Everyone's kind of different, though. I've met girls that I could tell from a mile away just from how they walked. Stiff and tense, almost like John Wayne. No, observing what women are like definitely helps. It's not our faults we're conditioned to walk, talk, and act a certain way from the time we're very young. And it's ingrained so deeply, sometimes it can be a very hard thing to change.

But no matter how you evolve, I still think being comfortable and learning to "be yourself" is the most important thing. Otherwise you won't be natural. Once you change a habit, you can make it a new part of your whole being. And if you feel awkward and uncomfortable, you'll constantly "decompose" in most situtions. By decompose I mean break down into more familiar patterns of behavior. It might not be "us" to act boyish.. but when you've gotten 20 years of negative reactions from acting any other way, you instinctively do it as a defensive reaction. So when your "shields go up" you can start acting like that old (fake) person you used to be and it only makes things even more difficult and stressful.