Intersexuals
It is my belief that if you are Lesbian, Gay, Trans, Intersex, Bisexual or heterosexual, that is what you are meant to be. I'm not going to get into the argument or politics about whether it's in our genetics, but I will say if we look back into our childhood, there has always been signs detailing hidden desires to be our "true self." If it's not safe for us to be our "true self," we often go into hiding. Many of us have gotten married, trying to escape our "true self." But in the end, if we are true to our "true self," we will come out!
Well it's the same if you're Intersex, except here we are dealing with gender as oppose to sexual orientation. When we are born our gender is assigned to us by someone taking a look between our legs. But what if you're Intersex. Intersex meaning born genetically male & female. Intersexuals are in a way like Hermaphrodites, except some Intersex children are not born with both external genitalia. Some, like me, are born hormonally & genetically female, but because the clitoris is bigger than normal, surgery is done to erase any external female body parts and the child is assigned, male.
In my case, my body produced estrogen not male hormones (testosterone) which is essential for the development of "males." When I hit puberty at the age of 13, I began to have breast growth. Before this time I was confused as hell. I related to girls more than boys. I have always looked feminine and believed I was female. I got into a lot of fights around this time defending the fact that I was indeed female. I got a lot of ass whippings too, trying to defend myself myself against my mother. Who happened to be a minister, and preached to me on numerous occasions that God made didn't make mistakes. She said I was blasphemy, and would go to hell if I didn't stop that nonsense that I was a girl.
When I started having breast growth at the age of 13, that was all the proof I needed that I was indeed female, that somebody made a mistake, if not God, then the doctors that told my mother I was a boy.
My short lived experience as a girl was cut short at the age of 14 when I was forced to take testosterone. I was told I would have to take male hormones to stop the breast growth and to "make me a boy." It was also that time when they told me I was sterile and could never have kids. They convinced me that if I took testosterone I could make babies one day, even though I never ejaculated. After trying to commit suicide numerous of times, I decided to stop the hormone replacement. I was on testosterone for 3 1/2 years. In that time I was sick all the time and hospitalized on numerous occasions because of it. I remember feeling like I was being poisoned.
I felt it was too late. My breast had stopped growing and to me they won. Although I never had any facial hair, I thought I looked like a boy. What was to me an enlarged clitoris grew and I felt uncomfortable in my own body. I became angry at the world. At one time when people called me she, I wouldn't correct them. I soon insisted everyone call me, He. I wanted to forget that somewhere in my body was a girl, waiting to be re-born. At the age of 18, I found drugs. Drugs and alcohol was my only escape. In the next 9 years I would use drugs and alcohol even more to suppress those feminine feelings. I got married at the age of 26 because I thought she could help me be a man.
It wasn't until I got sober, and was sober for a year that those feelings began to re-surface. In 1994 I got sick and had to go to the hospital. After doing several tests to find what was bothering me, I was told by an endocrinologist that my body was fighting to survive. I told him the story about the male hormones and my childhood. After getting my medical records from the University, we began to work together. I told him how I always felt like I was a girl and about the breast growth. I remember smiling while telling him, because I remembered there were signs that I was indeed, female. It was then I first heard of the word, Intersex. He told me I was born Intersex and that he could help me.
I started female hormonal therapy soon after first seeing him. My breast began to grow again, and by body began to feminize. After being forced to live male and then trying to adapt to a male & female society, it was like learning to walk all over again.
Because I was never male, it was easier being a woman. Everything came naturally. For years I watched men and then tried to impersonate them. When Lynnell was re-born, I felt like I was given a second chance in life. My philosophy on life changed. My new philosophy is; Everything happens for a reason. In life there will be disappointments, but there will also be achievements. I will make mistakes, I'm not perfect. It's what I do with the lessons of those mistakes that will make me a better person. My happiness is of the utmost importance. With love, there is no room for fear. Have faith and all will be well.
