Gender Confusion : Female to Male

Gender Confusion : Female to Male

by

Published on Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:26 am
Rift: eTransgender :: Transgender Forum

Story of my life: I pretty much KNOW by now that I think like a man, and when my Mom isn't making me take Birth control for an extra estrogen dose, that I become more 'butch' mentally and physically. What I lay in bed a muddle over, night after night, is, if I really am meant to be a man, then why am I such a girlie-girl? I enjoy dressing up, I love heels, I love seeing boys oogle me as I walk by. I fantasize about men, but I'm always a man too. I fantasize about women too, just not nearly as often. Like 10% of the time. What is going on with me?
Share

I think this is completely normal. I think the biggest confusion most of us go through is the idea we must fully adapt to one gender. It's not going to happen. Especially in a case where you've spent a portion of your life in one gender category trying to fit it. The best advice I've learned over the years is to "just be yourself" if that's a man with girly tendancies, then that's it.... You'll find your groove, but don't let societal expectations determine your happiness.

Liv wrote:I think this is completely normal. I think the biggest confusion most of us go through is the idea we must fully adapt to one gender. It's not going to happen. Especially in a case where you've spent a portion of your life in one gender category trying to fit it. The best advice I've learned over the years is to "just be yourself" if that's a man with girly tendancies, then that's it.... You'll find your groove, but don't let societal expectations determine your happiness.

Thank you for the advice, Liv. I really REALLY appreciate this.

Firstly, echoing Liv's comments, accept yourself for what you are. The world is so much more accepting of individuality now, we should take advantage of it.

I was born with a male body and realised at an early age that something is wrong.

Like you I was confused about my sexuality and feelings. I had relationships with men, some good, mostly bad.

Then it occured to me that our sexual feelings are governed, partly by our inner feelings and partly by the hormones swishing around our bodies.

I eventually married a woman who is not unlike you in her feelings.

But one point does concern me. I appreciate that you don't feel comfortable with the effects the contraceptive pill has upon you.

But, at this time, it would be a disaster for you to become pregnant.

I'm not for a second, suggesting you would be anything other than a wonderful mother. (I'll lay odds on it, even though I've never met you!!). But a baby will complicate your life at this time in a way you probably wouldn't want it to.

You have a number of decisions to make over the next few years about what sort of relationship you want and a lot of preparation to succeed in life. Job, carreer, income, training and so on.

A child will need to be considered in everything you decide.

It must.

spacial wrote:Firstly, echoing Liv's comments, accept yourself for what you are. The world is so much more accepting of individuality now, we should take advantage of it.

I was born with a male body and realised at an early age that something is wrong.

Like you I was confused about my sexuality and feelings. I had relationships with men, some good, mostly bad.

Then it occured to me that our sexual feelings are governed, partly by our inner feelings and partly by the hormones swishing around our bodies.

I eventually married a woman who is not unlike you in her feelings.

But one point does concern me. I appreciate that you don't feel comfortable with the effects the contraceptive pill has upon you.

But, at this time, it would be a disaster for you to become pregnant.

I'm not for a second, suggesting you would be anything other than a wonderful mother. (I'll lay odds on it, even though I've never met you!!). But a baby will complicate your life at this time in a way you probably wouldn't want it to.

You have a number of decisions to make over the next few years about what sort of relationship you want and a lot of preparation to succeed in life. Job, carreer, income, training and so on.

A child will need to be considered in everything you decide.

It must.

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I have never felt comfortable enough in my own skin, or close enough to someone, to even have sex. The pill is merely a way for my mother to make me more like the princess she wanted from the start. But, even though she claims I seem happier when I'm on it, I need to make peace with who I am. Not what the pill makes me. Again, thanks for the advice.

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I have never felt comfortable enough in my own skin, or close enough to someone, to even have sex. The pill is merely a way for my mother to make me more like the princess she wanted from the start. But, even though she claims I seem happier when I'm on it, I need to make peace with who I am. Not what the pill makes me. Again, thanks for the advice.

I know that one, really well.

My parents use to beat me silly every so often then make me stand straight. Any sign of crying or fear was not acceptable. They would also sometimes encourage my older brother to attack me.

I was eventually sent to an all boys boarding school for a few years.

When they did finally accept that I would never be the man they wanted they more or less rejected me.

I never formed any real friendships either. I was only interested in playing with girls. And that isn't what boys are suppose to do.

But the pills are making you feel different. I'm really sorry you don't have much of a social life. From personal experience, I'm sure you can learn other ways to interact.

In the mean time, can you speak to your doctor about the pills?

I know that one, really well.

My parents use to beat me silly every so often then make me stand straight. Any sign of crying or fear was not acceptable. They would also sometimes encourage my older brother to attack me.

I was eventually sent to an all boys boarding school for a few years.

When they did finally accept that I would never be the man they wanted they more or less rejected me.

I never formed any real friendships either. I was only interested in playing with girls. And that isn't what boys are suppose to do.

But the pills are making you feel different. I'm really sorry you don't have much of a social life. From personal experience, I'm sure you can learn other ways to interact.

In the mean time, can you speak to your doctor about the pills?[/quote]
It sounds like you life has been a lot harder than mine. Beating someone won't make them stronger, only more fragile on the inside. I am lucky to have friends that I consider my family, especially when I don't measure up with my 'real' family. When I'm on the pill, I've learned to ignore who I really am. I learned to lie to myself. But, I'm not going back on. I recently quit taking them, and plan to never let one pass my conscious lips again. Thank you for your help.

I am sorry if anything i say offends anyone. If so please tell me ill apologize. Well i am 18 years old, and just came out of the closet as being a lesbian. My mom found out when she got suspicious of me and my girlfriend [she was right] My mom is very controleing, and . . . a complete homophob. So when she found out she flipped out at me and said how disgusting , and gross it was. etc etc the horid comments could go on. So i knew if i really told her how confused i was about my gender she would shun me, and so would the rest of my homophobic family. My whole life i allways felt like one of the guys never felt like a littel girl once. So ever since i have been sexualy active with my girlfriend its bothering me more, and more everyday how trapped and out of place i feel. I feel like sutch a guy inside but on the outside im [not trying to sound arragant] very attractive girl. I ware makeup and try my best to look pretty. But i feel like if i was a man i would be so mutch more happyer with life. I told my girlfriend and she said she would still love me and be with me no matter what. But i know deep down she wants to be with a girl even if she says that. And i also know i would have to restart my life if i got surgery. I wouldn't be able to talk to family anymore, and some friends. I was just wondering if anyone could give me more details on the surgery? Some advice...or like a similar story cause to be honnest feel slightly alone, and confused right now because no one i know feels this way or has. Oh p.s. i know my spelling, and grammer stinks i typ fast and dont proof read. Im really new to all of this. . .so...any sugestions i dont know

You seem to have a promising relationship with your girlfriend.

Such relationships are hard to find and really should be treasured.

Do you really want to sacrifice this?

I don't know about your exact situation, being a transsexual woman. But I can tell you from experience that a relationship won't be saved by your willingness to compromise your identity.

I just ended a five year relationship with my fiancee. She was a kind, caring woman who supported me throught he beginning of transition. We both knew it was a poor match sexually, but we tried to make it work all the same out of our love and compassion for one another. She wanted a man.

Hey so did I XD!

If this really is who you are, the more you hide your true identity, the more miserable you're going to be. And the more miserable YOU are, the more miserable your girlfriend will be too.

My suggestion is to not ignore this. But to also GO EASY ON HER. Don't forget this isn't just about you. If she's part of your life, she's going to have to go through "transition" too. Don't assume the focus should always be on you. Don't constantly lean on her for support without returning it. Don't forget she's a human being too and deserves the same kind of love and appreciation you gave her before.

And you never know. Your relationship might not end. It could grow and develop into something more. On the other hand, if it does end, it was meant to be.

If this is really who you are, it will never go away. It's a part of you forever. Unless you really, really feel like that's something you can hide for the rest of your life, I'd suggest you find some way of dealing with. At least talk to someone, for sure. And bring your girlfriend into it too. She'll need someone to talk to ask well...

-Kelly

I am going to be honest with you the first year of transition can be very very trying on relationships. This does not mean that you forgo your own happiness to keep your partner happy. What happens then is you end up resenting them, and they resent you for resenting them and just trying to be happy. This is good for no one.

Also family can be difficult no matter who you are, and you need to think about who you are inside. There is a saying though not exactly related it is related. You just don't understand anything about the gay community until you have one in your family. This is true, your family may not be accepting but they might turn around. They know you as a person, this is the first biggest step to gain acceptance. You do not need to be I'm here I'm here and I'm trans biotches accept it! You can be but you don't need to be, remind them that you are their family member and you love them even if they don't completely accept you.

The MOST important thing to do through all of this is get a good psychologist, and be honest about how you are feeling about how transition is going about how your family and friends are reacting. They will be best able to help you through all of this.

There are several surgical options for f2m people and there are of course benefits and cons to all of them. I would suggest looking these terms up and doing some research, no one can tell you which of the surgical procedures would be best for you, that is something that you and your doctor need to discuss.

The top surgery is basically an extreme reduction, I say extreme because most people who undergo breast reduction are not looking to have their breasts completely removed. It is a fairly standard procedure and is done pretty much the same for most people.

There are several options for bottom surgery and these include; Phaloplasty, Metoidioplasty, and Centurion (possibly). There are articles and various all over the internet about the pros and cons of these procedures including detailed descriptions of each.

Also here is a website where you can view pre and post op pictures of the various different procedures to give you a better idea. http://www.transster.com/ Caution these are graphic pictures.

Another resource is this: http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/phalloentry2-2

At the end of your life when you are laying there at night will you be happy if this is something you didn't because you wanted to please others? This is because in the end the only person you have to make happy is you.

Good Luck,

James

I know things seem difficult at the time. If your feelings are true do not wait. I started late in life F to M. I wasn't happy I tried to live for others not myself. I was willing to lose my family. I am blessed I have all my family plus and daughter and son. I'am Dad and Grandpa.

You sound a lot like me. I'm somewhere between genderqueer and FTM, and due to several pressures (a conservative Christian family whom I love dearly, a sister who's convinced I'm not a real transsexual and thinks I should just buck the gender binary entirely, general feelings of fear regarding the possibility of transition) I can't seem to tell half the time whether I'm coming or going. I'm 20 years old, and the only thing I've decided for sure is that I am not ready to make a decision. That may be the case with you. Or - and this is the way you sound - you've already decided that you want to transition, but you're worried about facing all the problems that will come with them.

You've got one thing on your side - a girlfriend who supports you. I don't know if your relationship will survive a transition, but she's willing to try, and that's great, so I'm going to move on to your mother.

You haven't mentioned whether you're living at home or not; I'm guessing that you're not, or if you are you're hiding your "lesbianism" from her at every available opportunity. That's a fine solution for the short term, but on a long-term basis you're going to want much more open communication between you and your mother. And I don't just mean about being into women; I mean about everything.

You already know that she's not going to really dig your gender issues, so here's what you have to do: be mature. Reassure your mother that you love her, that you're still a good person, whatever it takes. Then give her an ultimatum (courtesy of Dan Savage): she has one year to be an obnoxious homophobic jerkwad, and after that she will be expected to get used to the idea of you being a lesbian/guy/whatever and at least treat you like a decent human being. If she cannot bring herself to do that, then you're cutting off ties. You will not see her again, you will not be showing up at family get-togethers, and if you ever have kids she can kiss any hope of seeing them good-bye. And hold her to it. Let her be as childish and obnoxious as she wants during the first year, and if she doesn't get her act together, leave.

Parents have a tremendous amount of power over their children. And most of them - especially Christian ones - are accustomed to using that power to get their kids to do whatever they want - follow their rules, conform to their standards, etc. Estranging you when you come out as trans is just another way of using that power. By laying down the law for your mother, you will demonstrate that she no longer has that power and that if she wishes to continue a relationship with you she must begin to treat you as a human being. It may be your first instinct to think "well, I'm the deviant here, so I should just take what I can get and be grateful for it." That's ridiculous. You have just as much right as anyone else to be treated decently. Being trans may be a little weird by some standards, but it causes harm to absolutely no one.