Regret over late transition - unable to cope

Regret over late transition - unable to cope

by

Published on Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:37 pm
Rift: eTransgender :: Transgender Forum

To make a long story short, I'm a 31 year old trans woman and I'm having an impossible time coping with my age and the time I took to fully transition. I've been fortunate enough with the success of my transition to live a "stealth" life, here in California for the past three years now. GRS is coming up in a few months and under normal circumstances I'd be nothing short of ecstatic.

But the only thing occupying my mind any more is the regret I feel over not having made my transition earlier. I come from a different generation, and didn't have the wealth of resources young girls do now. My first exposure to a transgendered woman was from watching the old Howard Stern show on channel 5. Naturally, it wasn't a positive experience. Far from being supportive, my parents were actually abusive about my identity. There were countless therapists, emotional and physical abuse, even a psychiatric hospital at one point.

I didn't initially start hormones until I was 20, and then did so through self-medication. At that point my mother took her own life and it was years before I snapped out of the numbess that overwhelmed my life. By 24 I was back on hormones, but it was only a year and a half before I met a beautiful, kind, and caring, woman. The first and only person I'd ever felt I could have a real future with. Maybe even a family. I wanted to be sure, so I put transition on hold for another two years.

I didn't start "full transition" until I was 27. I'm fortunate in that I'm also hypogonadic, in other words my body doesn't naturally produce testosterone in any real quantity. Puberty was delayed for me and I only developed partial secondary male characteristics.

In the end, I've built a very successful life. I have an excellent career. I'm fully accepted as a woman. I've rebuilt a group of friends that only know me for who I am, and I've never felt more comfortable with the person I am.

But I've paid the price for not being body conscious at a younger age. My mother's death hit me hard and I started overeating. This led to some body issues I still have today, even though I'm in good shape. I was never able to fully develop breasts, as I'm only a full A cup.

Most of all, I lost a good portion of my life. My early 20s were a blur. I've known who I am for a long time now, but either wasn't able to, or simply didn't have the determination to do something about it. I see an entire generation of young trans girls emerging who, thanks to greater support, understand, and the internet, are able to transition at a very young age. Where I should be proud and supportive, I only find that it hits me like a knife in the chest. I can only look back on my life and see all the mistakes I've made. I feel like I failed to take control of my life when I should have. That I may have let fear, uncertainty, or who knows what else poison my life.

And there's nothing I can do. No way to go back and correct the past. No way to relive my teens and 20s. All I have to look forward to now is old age. I feel so hopeless that I've lost all interest in GRS.. even now that I've finally saved enough money for it. I can't see any point in proceeding when my life feels like such a failure.

I suppose for some, 27 might still seem fairly young. And I know that not everyone is lucky enough to pass well enough to go stealth and start a whole new life. But what's the point when you're lost your best years? In being hypogonadic and taking hormones when your body never fully developed?

Does anyone else ever have these feelings? Regret that they tranitioned too late? Despair over body issues they can never fix? Am I the only one that feels sick when you hear a story about a 12 year old transgirl with supportive, loving parents (even though you know it's the absolutely wrong thing to feel) when your teens were nothing but confusion and pain?

It's enough that any time I'm online and see a young transgirl I spin into serious depression. I feel like my life has no value. I'm completely stuck on this... and I really need help because it's destroying my life.

If anyone has any comments or advice, I'd really appreciate it =)

Thanks,
Kelly
Share

Your best years ARE NOT beyond you. You're still in your 20s. Its a rather early age to transition. Staying back in the past and regretting that you couldn't transition is a hurtful thing to yourself. Honestly, as long as you look to the future and just plan for it, your best years will be just ahead. Do not fret over what you cannot change. It does no good.

Instead... I would start to count up things you could look forward to. Anything would do. Having a family (you can still do it!), going on a vacation, getting "the big" job. Anything. Also, get involved with your community and support it some how.

We're here for you!

Kelly.

Reading your post, it strikes me that your problems centre on the early death of your mother.

I appreciate that you feel some guilt over your appearence, seemingly due to a period of over eating. But most women feel this way. That's why they spend billions of slimming remedies.

Few of us are perfect. None of us didn't make mistakes, big mistakes, when we were younger.

But do you think, possibly, that you may be attacking one part of your life when your uneasy feelings actually come as a result of another?

spacial wrote:Kelly.

Reading your post, it strikes me that your problems centre on the early death of your mother.

I appreciate that you feel some guilt over your appearence, seemingly due to a period of over eating. But most women feel this way. That's why they spend billions of slimming remedies.

Few of us are perfect. None of us didn't make mistakes, big mistakes, when we were younger.

But do you think, possibly, that you may be attacking one part of your life when your uneasy feelings actually come as a result of another?

That's a really interesting point.

My mother's death derailed everything, that's certain. I can't even recall how the 6 years or so passed. She was also my only hope for support and understanding (despite all the years of emotional abuse, she was finally starting to come around. She even bought makeup for me from time to time).

It still feels like an excuse. I know now the only thing that keeping me from my dreams was myself.

So yes, I'm still angry with mom. And I've also never been able to forgive myself. Both for failing to transition when I should have and for failing to save my mother. Sometimes I think my whole life would be different if I had just been with her for another 30 minutes. Or at least that I didn't let it stop me.

As for my body, it's good enough with the exception of some 11 year old stretch marks ( which unfortunately, can only be reduced 50-70% through laser therapy ). I did gain a little muscle mass in the arms 5 years ago, but it's not noticable, and muscle can be lost.

I think some things would be better had I focused on them at a younger age. But most things are fixable and I got the luck of natural female testosterone levels.

I've still always been told I'm attractive. Hey, a married man I work with even became completely infatued with me ( validation = good... messing up a marriage = not good ).

And I've never been one to fixate on the body before. It's something I've always regarded as unhealthy as well. I really don't know what has changed. Maybe it's because I know the "finish line" is near. I've already hit a plateau in transition. Maybe it's because I've finally started dating again. The men I meet seem only to be focused on one thing =p. The women in my life were so much more supportive. There was an emotional connection... we understood each other. Maybe it's because there's a whole new generation of trans women who are seeing the benefit of society moving forward a tiny bit at a time.

I used to feel like 27 was still a good time to transition. And my emotional and spiritual journey started many, many years before that.

But I still miss all those years. I think about how happy I could have been. How different I would look and feel now. How many years I just threw away for nothing. I was so close! I had a plan! I was moving forward. I was really beginning to heal... then POOF!

So... you could have a point...

Thanks
-Kelly

Thanks for saying I still transitioned at an early age =). I used to think 27 was still a good time. But I have a couple friends that are 24 and began their transition years earlier that always refer to me as an "older transitioner" or someone who transitioned "very late", etc. It's kind of interesting that I'm more successful than both of them but... I digress.

I have my "dream job" thank god. My vacation time this year is being spent on recovery from FFS (we all need a few tweaks here and there).

I did always feel better helping others. Focusing on myself always felt unhealthy to me and usually makes me very unhappy. And I know that without at least some support I could still be right back where I was. It's a fine line to walk because I have chosen to hide my past. But I would like to become more involved with the local center at least. Especially for the younger kids. One of the younger girls I know has some major problems. I'm worried she's going to try killing herself again =(. I don't think I can handle that again...

And... well... at least I'm (basically) finished. I guess there's that to be grateful for at least... I guess I *could* be just starting transition now. And at least it's (basically) over. I sure as hell wouldn't want to go through *that* again! XD

Thanks Nythillie! That really cheered me up =)
-Kel

Hallo Kelly,

I have had a similar experience to you and I could really relate to everything you wrote ( I even lost my mother to suicide although that was when I was very young ).I'm 43 and live in Amsterdam in the Netherlands and after several unsuccessful attempts to transition because of insurmountable inner and outer obstacles I had nearly given up and I was full of regret like yourself (and I'm 43).
It hurts the most when you look back wistfully or see the younger generation having a supportive foundation to fall back on. I prayed alot and used a number of cutting edge techniques like EFT and ZPoint (which most people will regard with skepticism and they dont always work for everyone) to take the edge of painful emotions & erase alot of trauma, so that when I look back I feel little or no charge; however I also have to be aware that I'm not continuously comparing myself to others who appear to be younger/prettier/luckier, which is always a trap and recipe for lifelong misery regardless of who you are.lol I hope you make it this time don't give up :-)

Wishing you lots of love & support . ;-)

Karina

Our parents are a lot more important to us than we like to think. Even as adults we need their approval, or at least, find some way, in our own minds, of confronting their attitudes.

The way your mom left your life created more problems. But ultimatey you need to find a way to confront them.

In my own case, I went away for a few weeks to a country area where I had what I needed to survive but knew I could be left alone. I sat down and just allowed all of my thoughts to come. Eventually, I was thinking about things that I hadn't occured before. I managed to get most of them in some sort of order and made some sense of my life as it was then.

This might be worth thinking about.

I'm personally not very keen on therapists. they tend to spend most of their time doing what you can do for yourself and usually end up creating issues that weren't there in the first place.

My parents didn't sexually abuse me. If I was ever sexually attracted to either or both, my parents then its probably no more than every child is. So I don't need some therapists trying to tell me that the problems I think I have are just a smoke screen for the underlying issues that they need for their latest book!!!

I have to agree with you about married men. But if you get the chance of a fling, with someone unattached, why not?

Sex is suppose to be fun. Have a laugh.

But your life is now to be honest. I doubt many of us doesn't regret past decisions.

Are your worries about your body really important?

Or are they just filling the bank account of some surgeon?

spacial wrote:Our parents are a lot more important to us than we like to think. Even as adults we need their approval, or at least, find some way, in our own minds, of confronting their attitudes.

The way your mom left your life created more problems. But ultimatey you need to find a way to confront them.

In my own case, I went away for a few weeks to a country area where I had what I needed to survive but knew I could be left alone.

I moved to a rural area of Northern California with just this intention. Having to work 10-12 hour days renders that meaningless. But I do think this is a good idea. I have recurring nightmares about my mother and the way I was raised. No there was no real sexual abuse. There were some.. things I'll admit that I only found out were "strange" much later in life. And lots of punishment for feminine "artifacts" too.. both physical and emotional. Lots of stuff I need to sort out, even after 11 years.

But my therapists ALSO love to invent problems. It's my relationship with my FATHER that's the whole problem! No, no I'm type two bipolar! No, wait, anxiety is my issue and I need Xanax. Sheesh, taking THAT shrink's advice actually got me addicted to Xanax for two years! Psychiatrists throw meds at you. And therapists throw their latest pet theories at you =P. I get better help from my friends...

spacial wrote:I have to agree with you about married men. But if you get the chance of a fling, with someone unattached, why not?

Sex is suppose to be fun. Have a laugh.

I agree =) I did feel a little strange and kinda bad about it at first. I was always a "serial monogamist", too, and it felt awkward when I felt drawn to someone I knew didn't want a relationship. But now I think it was just the newness of it. I have to confess I love having sex lol. Being pre-op (for now) does have its drawbacks, but I still seem to have okay luck.

I never really enjoyed sex with men before transition but it's a whole different ball of wax now

spacial wrote:Are your worries about your body really important?

Or are they just filling the bank account of some surgeon?

I honestly don't know. The last FFS doctor I talked to told me flat out "You don't need this. Your face, body, voice, mannerisms are all clearly female." I've also had friends try and talk me out of it. But I know I could be better. I've seen what it can do when you have good material in the first place. It's the difference between "passable" and "distinctly feminine".

But... yes... I don't know what it is but self-acceptance is hard for me. It's been years now but I still feel like there is so much work to do... like transition will never really be over. I'm hoping SRS will put an end to at least some of this anxiety (although I was hoping to be happy before I went through with it... part of why I waited so long).

Thanks for the good advice. I'm feeling a little better today.. maybe now that I'm trying to face my anxiety. And last night my Dad said I didn't just succeed, I did a "four star job". I'm trying not to keep reliving my past... or remember how miserable I was for so long. I know if I keep having these regrets I'll never get to enjoy the life I've worked so hard to forge. I know I keep taking the strength and confidence I have now for granted... that it wasn't always this way. There was a time when I was willing to pay ANY price to change my life. So I guess waiting until 27 wasn't so bad.... although everyone seems SO YOUNG now... it's hard not to feel like a coward. But.. I'm trying...I guess...

thanks again
-Kel

Kelly ann

I am so pleased you are feeling a bit better.

There really is no reason to worry about waiting. You could end up like me, making continual excuses and finding yourself in your late 50s, still not done anything!!!! :oops:

As for facing your fears and nightmare, I can't think of anything better to do. If you're worried about bringing up some deap seated issues that will trigger even greater problems.....HOGWASH.

You manage your own life. What you can discover about yourself will be only for you. I doubt you have forgotten any specific incidents, at least not any that are particularly serious. But you have forgotten the feelings those incidents created.

This isn't really serious, we all do it. But your recent, dramatic history with your mom has made you want to review your life with her, of that there doesn't seem to be much doubt.

The abuse you describe is also very real. Sadly, I don't think parents really know what they are doing when they do these things.

Some parents tend to see children as being basically bad and that badness needs to be knocked out of them. Others see their children like clay, that they must model and fashion their children.

The reality is that children are individuals without knowledge and experience. They need guidance and support as they learn how to deal with the stress' of life.

But there are no manuals for parents. No set methods. Just adults who only really know what they learnt.

When I was little I recall asking my mother if I could wear a dress. Her reaction humiliated me and was designed to do so.

When I was grown, in my late teens, I had my first serious relationship with a man, while dressed as his girlfriend. I didn't dare tell my parents and never did, even several years later.

But I grew up in a society where young men were expected to be big and tough in preparation for war. (Which never came thank goodness). Also, homosexuality was illegal there, at that time.

If I'm to be totally honest, I think my parents acted according to the demands of the society. If they had let me wear a dress I think they would probably have been arrested.

I apologise for talking about mself here. I'm trying to put some perspective on these issues.

But I do urge you to take some time out to look deeply into yourself. You are clearly intelegent and purposful.

You know, I would be lying if I said that I do not regret the same at times. If only this; If only that. Why couldn't I have just....or why didn't I understand.....

And yes, I do have friends and acquaintances who began their transition before twenty, before sixteen, before puberty even; and here I am starting late in the race at 24. And given, I am ahead of you, but I do often feel the same, and it hurts. Still, I do console myself with the knowledge that immortality is a state of mind. I mean, yeah, the body changes and betrays us, and causes this or that, and the other changes not in our favour. But really, a lot of it all has to do with attitude.

I really do think it is true when they say "you're only as young as you feel." And as I plan on living forever, I intend on staying young forever, even that means leaving my body behind someday. But you know, if you look at life as if it's a race, perhaps it's not about getting here or there the fastest. Perhaps it's about how you got there, and the person you developed into along the journey.

I can well understand notions of regret in terms of not having started earlier. It could be an indication that you are certain about who you are and what you are doing. A good thing. Much better than racing through things not carefully considered only to be dealing with regret after irreversible things are in place - "oh what have I done!"

I find notions of stealth however very ... well ... slippery. No doubt some of us fair better for no other reason than we were fortunate. Some address "problem areas" successfully with nothing more than an innate sense of presentation. Those who have access to savings or other resources might undergo one or more of the various cosmetic procedures available - being careful to not create the caricature of feminine beauty by going too far or to less competent providers. Ultimately though "passing" is a determination of those around us. I cringe (with compassion) whenever I find one of our TG/TS peoples remarking how "well I pass" when clearly they do not. I mean no disrespect to the anyone, just don't delude yourself, it can lead to problems. Don't turn paranoid either. Just be the best you can. Society unwritten codes lead to us being very critical of ourselves - particularly if you TG/TS and have only ever wanted to be the "girl next door".

The experiences of your life have been challenging ones, no doubt about that. Some thing we simply can't change and cant resolve. A traumatic experience might stay with across your lifetime. One should not set expectation too high but rather work on things a maybe improve the quality of their life experience little by little by little. An under-estimated too is changing channels. When you find yourself thinking yet again about something thats dragging you down and simply taking too much of your "air" time, immediately think of something pleasant: a scene of a place you like, a song, there will be something. This is one of those things you have to stick at. It can take a while before it yields results but one day this little tool will succeed in putting everything into perspective.

I am TS. I am now married to my husband. For many years we were kept apart by a bigoted administration who closed the doors on the immigration of anyone who was not born a certain way. Regardless of ones current legally recognized gender. it hurt me deeply. It damaged me. I am still recovering. But we are together and life is moving forward. I remind myself that there are others who face much harder circumstances than I.

I hope this helps someone.

I feel you girl! I also am 31yo and did my transition in my early to mid 20's. Just keep your head up, be who you are simple as that!

Argiope wrote:You know, I would be lying if I said that I do not regret the same at times. If only this; If only that. Why couldn't I have just....or why didn't I understand.....

And yes, I do have friends and acquaintances who began their transition before twenty, before sixteen, before puberty even; and here I am starting late in the race at 24. And given, I am ahead of you, but I do often feel the same, and it hurts.

Those cases are rare. Very rare. It's still the minority of people who transition that young, within the already small minority of people that even have the courage to do so in the first place. 24 is a fantastic age. If you're like me it will still take a couple years, but you're very young. I would say 24 is definitely still 'early transition'.

And anyway I've known several girls that started transition when they were 18-19 and... while I really hate to say this... don't have the same "options" I do (to put it gently). I still think it's a lot of hard work and a lot of luck. They are ALL very arrogant about me starting "so much older" than they are... but I'm still the one that passes (and makes almost six figures a year doing so). I think they all know how much the subject hurts me and it's a button they know they can press...

Argiope wrote:Still, I do console myself with the knowledge that immortality is a state of mind. I mean, yeah, the body changes and betrays us, and causes this or that, and the other changes not in our favour. But really, a lot of it all has to do with attitude.

I think attitude makes a big difference with perception too. Years and years ago I'd meet people who gave me... well "that look". You know the one when you just know what they're thinking... you're freakin' clocked for sure. But then you smile, act natural, show them confidence, and they hear your voice and the look just disappears. I met a girl at a bar once who said to me later "Yeah I saw you at the show and I thought 'hrm' but then when we started talking I just forgot all about it".

Argiope wrote:But you know, if you look at life as if it's a race, perhaps it's not about getting here or there the fastest.

And the saddest thing to me is... transition was so personal for me. I never even had contact with the "community" until very recently. It was about my dreams. How I felt since I was kid. It was a personal experience for me. One that was more spiritual and emotional than anything else. I never felt like it was a race. Like I had to compete with other people. I don't know that seems to be how everyone feels though. Everyone tells me how old I started. How different things are if you start young. The first trans girl I knew in person just picked on me and my body. I was 5'9" and 140 but she'd say my hips were too small or.. my arms were too big... or that I wasn't "stylish" enough. Even though she'd get clocked by everyone when she went out. Maybe she did it to feel better about herself. The only other girl I knew in person would remind me what a big mistake I made not sticking with transition when I was younger. How much harder things would be for me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I don't know I was so much better off before...

Argiope wrote:Perhaps it's about how you got there, and the person you developed into along the journey.

I don't know what I got for so many years of self-hate and reclusion. I have a fantastic career, 3 college degrees, great income, and I suppose my own little dream came true. But I changed over the years and that's one of the things that bothers me the most. I was so happy and free as a teenager. I would skip sports and make little crowns with vines and flowers. I would write, draw, paint... I played the flute from age 12 and grew my hair past my shoulders. I was happy in my own little world until it started to erode a piece at a time, starting from puberty. Now I'm miserable and self-hating. There were so many years of learning how not to be myself.

I'm so ashamed of myself for nothing having the courage to just be me. I was so sheltered... so convinced that everyone else was right. My parents, all the therapists. Every day that went by since 14 or 15 a piece of me died. And now I'm 31 years old and I still don't have that back.

I don't even know what I got from transition.

Anyway I'm sorry... I know how ya feel and I do understand better than anyone (obviously). I have a friend who started at 19 and still has regrets about not doing so during high school. Or even better before puberty. The pain for me is knowing full well who I was and what kind of life I needed in order to be happy yet doing nothing about it. I look back on my life and I'm absolutely puzzled how I could have ever survived the way things were. Let alone have done so for such a long period of time.

I even used to think "Well okay I started at 24... and I took 1 1/2 - 2 years off to be sure I couldn't be happy some other way... not to mention being hypogonadic... I'm in great shape! All I hear are these stories about people in their 40s and 50s.. I'm glad I did this now". But that kinda shows you how out of touch I was too. Shoot my therapist in Miami even has a 6 year old transgirl, Jasmine, as a patient. She's so happy and positive too. You can probably Google her it's a pretty well known story.

You're right, of course, in saying that youth is a state of mind. Still, some things can't be changed. Eighty percent of my life is spent in a cube now. I have no more drive or ambition to improve myself or move ahead with surgery. I feel no joy or comfort in being who I am. All I feel now is an overwhelming sense of despair.

There's no life to look forward to. Any hope I had for change taking place with time, hormones, and hard work is gone. I've gotten as far as I ever will, only now I'm only getting older. My body is ruined and transition didn't change much of anything for me, so I know I'm going to be alone. I look back on my life and I know... how different things could have been if I only took steps sooner. I thought "going stealth" would change things, but the last three years of my life have been lonely and miserable. Most days I wake up crying... it takes a while to get out of bed.

Last month I tried to OD on oxycontin. It cost me $400 and was easily over LD-50 (lethal dose) but all I did was blackout for a day and wake up sick. I'm thinking about H2S but I don't want to hurt other people. At least after I get paid on the 1st I can go buy a gun. I wish I was back in Florida so I could just find some heroin. At least with an OD my insurance might still pay out.

Sorry I know how whiny this whole response is. I don't mean to sound self-piteous. I mean it is what it is... I can't change my life or the decisions I made. I wish things had been different, that I had another chance, but there's nothing I can really do at this point. I don't really see what there is to look forward to in this life except lonliness... regret... self-hate... despair.

Anyway sorry for the long response... I'm just ... kinda lost

samaras wrote:I feel you girl! I also am 31yo and did my transition in my early to mid 20's. Just keep your head up, be who you are simple as that!

Thanks for the kind comment. But what's the point now? I don't even get to be who I am. I look in the mirror and I just feel disgust. Transition didn't make me happy, it just magnified how much I hate my body. And the reality is I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life as well. At least in my teens and 20s I had more of a chance to meet guys and date. To go to college and be free. Now I'm 31 and somehow this still isn't over. No this is done for me... but I do appreciate your words of encouagement.

"And there's nothing I can do. No way to go back and correct the past. No way to relive my teens and 20s. All I have to look forward to now is old age. I feel so hopeless that I've lost all interest in GRS.. even now that I've finally saved enough money for it. I can't see any point in proceeding when my life feels like such a failure..."

Kelly, I would very much like to focus on the above quote from you. As a therapist, this is a very common response for individuals - all through the gender and sexual continuum, so your mindset is not unusual at all. However, you CAN go back and correct the past. A variety of modalities can help an individual become "unstuck" emotionally-developmentally.

The other issue of course is the complexities that existed throughout your life WHILE you were addressing developmental needs (as a GS - Gender Specialist, I do not often use the word "transition", but prefer the term development, especially if medically diagnosed conditions, such as your with regard to your hormone/androgren levels.).

This is something many individuals overlook -- baggage, of which ALL of us carry. If we do not address the underpinnings in our life, and we are also experiencing gender issues/difficulties, the baggage is only heavier for us and eventually will pop open, usually at the most inopportune time in our life -- during latter stages.

When I work with an individual who is gender variant - I work with the WHOLE individual and will address life issues/stressor and gender will then fall into place, allowing us a much better position to focus on the developmental process.

What I am hearing from you in your discussion/disclosure is also some complicated grief. Without allowing for proper stages of grief and bereavement, this will overshadow rational views and contribute to the feelings you are currently experiencing.

If you would like or have any interest, please feel free to contact me and I would be happy to assist you. You may email me at patty.a.romano@gmail.com. I do not have a website - work in progress (probably one of the only individuals on the face of the earth without one currently), but I have a variety of sites that you can verify my background specific to the needs and assistance of transgender, transsexual and transvestic individuals.

I wish you the best and do hope to hear from you.

Regards,

Patricia A. Romano, M.A., Psy.D(c)

Unfortunately, improving the quality of your life is difficult when you're immobalized with depression. Something unfortunately not chemical in nature for me. There are very real triggers. When these triggers happen, I do try and "change the channel" so I know what you're talking about. Fixating is an unhealthy response when something just makes you miserable. But it also feels like "burying your head in the sand" to me. If I really felt good and confident in my own life I would deal with those triggers a little better.

I know what you mean about deluding your self about passing. I have friends that do that and knowing how much it hurts to feel otherwise I won't break that feeling for them. We all have to live and function in this world. Knowing you don't pass can become crippling unless you have a very thick skin.

I'm too self-abusive to have ever told myself I passed. It took me years to even entertain the idea that I did. But eventual life experience taught me I didn't have to worry. But I think the percentage of us that can start a whole new life and be perceived as ordinary women is very, very low. So many things need to come together. And no matter what it's still a percentage. For me, the alarms bells go off all the time and I don't think they'll ever stop. But for the past three years I've enjoyed a very normal life. Guess I should enjoy that while it lasts... my luck is bound to go south sooner or later.

I'm sorry for the difficulty you experienced. But it sounds like things worked out in the end. You're married - you have a husband! That's fantastic. You're a very, very lucky woman. May I ask how the two of you met? You mentioned immigration problems so did you meet online or in a forgein country?

Karina wrote:Hallo Kelly,

I have had a similar experience to you and I could really relate to everything you wrote ( I even lost my mother to suicide although that was when I was very young ).I'm 43 and live in Amsterdam in the Netherlands and after several unsuccessful attempts to transition because of insurmountable inner and outer obstacles I had nearly given up and I was full of regret like yourself (and I'm 43).
It hurts the most when you look back wistfully or see the younger generation having a supportive foundation to fall back on. I prayed alot and used a number of cutting edge techniques like EFT and ZPoint (which most people will regard with skepticism and they dont always work for everyone) to take the edge of painful emotions & erase alot of trauma, so that when I look back I feel little or no charge; however I also have to be aware that I'm not continuously comparing myself to others who appear to be younger/prettier/luckier, which is always a trap and recipe for lifelong misery regardless of who you are.lol I hope you make it this time don't give up Wishing you lots of love & support . Karina

I'm so sorry for your loss Karina. I know how hard it is to deal with suicide, especially your mother's. I don't think many people understand just how deep an affect it has on you. To this day I still have recurrent nightmares about her.

Just last night I saw her. I was a little kid again, wearing a little blue dress I used to have. She had a metal can of pesticide strapped to her back. My mother had pitch black eyes and dripping grey skin. I was cornered in the stairwell of our old townhouse and she was spraying me with the pesticide. I felt like I was choking from the poison and fumes when I woke up crying.

And this is 11 years later =P

I really hope you were able to find some peace. You gave me the impression that ZPoint and EFT worked for you. Maybe its worth looking into? Really I just wish I could find a decent psychotherapist. Most psychiatrists I meet just throw meds at me. The last one I saw sneered at me when I told him my past (that I'm trans) and said "You have a very 'complicated' life. Obviously you're also very sick". Bastard.

As far as making it this time around... iono... I guess I *have* made it in a way. I mean I've been living successfully as a woman for years now. It's everything else I didn't do (namely self-acceptance) that's catching up with me.

I wish I had a good solution for not comparing yourself to others. It pains me as well. It's somewhat ironic too because I know I happen to be very, very lucky. One thing that helps me is taking "trans" out of the equation.

Consider how you'd feel as just another 43 year old woman. Every woman gets depressed comparing themselves to younger, prettier girls. I know women who refuse to read fashion magazines because the models only serve to make them feel inadequate.

Another thing I do.. and this is the one thing that actually helps... is remind myself why I transitioned. I did it for me. I did it because, simply enough, I was able to find my *self*. The core of my heart and soul. I did a great deal of deep self-examination and found my spirit. The essence of who I really am. The fact that that person happens to be a woman is incidental to me. What's more important is that "Kelly" the person I am today, is everything good and positive in my life. It's the best of who I am at the very core.

I think, under the best circumstances at least, we should try to forget the "gender" part of this whole equation. And remind ourselves that we're simply trying to develop a life that is our own. To be the best, most complete human being we can be. That doesn't mean pouring ourselves into any particular mold. It simply means breaking down the barriers we've created between our real selves and the person we present to the world.

If you can look at transition from that perspective, it doesn't become a race or a competition. It's not about being young, beautiful, or even feminine. It's about being you. Being the essence of everything that makes you unique. The (few, unfortunately) "genuine" trans women I've met are some of the kindest, gentlest, most creative and most compassionate human beings I've ever met.

So what I'm trying to do is remind myself that was what this was all about. Not about my body. Not even about being a woman. My true gender is incidental. It's about the magic in your heart. About rekindling that spark of spirit you felt as a child. It's about bringing that anima to the surface.. making it strong... protecting it. Showing it to the world without fear or self-repression.

In other words a very real, very powerful spiritual experience that transcends your age... your body. That's what "real transition" is to me.

If you know you were born a woman, I'd look back on your past and realize that you were always a woman. You just had to deal with the same horrible disability we all did. You have nothing to regret. And wanting to just be some.. young little thing with a hot body so you can be desired by more men.. is so crass to me. It diminishes how powerful this experience can truly be.

I really feel that you are either born a woman.. or you're born a man. Anyone can "buy a female genitalia". That doesn't make you a woman, no matter how young you managed to do it. To me, the difference between a "transsexual" and a "woman" is one of soul.

Forget the age. Forget the past. Forget the meaningless comparisons to girls that have nothing to do with you or your own life. Look inside yourself and remember who you really are. Find that scared little girl and comfort her. Embrace her. Let her meet the world without fear. Listen to her.. not your petty jealousy. Not the vain and flamboyant trans community (Sorry.. flame on.. but let's face it .. the straight TS world IS freakin' vain).

I hope I'm making some sense... anyway this is the only way I've found to cope with my own issues of late.
I thought I was doing so well. I was so proud of myself. A new life and a great career while still in my 20's. I took 4 years for that lack of self-acceptance to really creep up on me.

It's set me back so much too =(. I don't even know if it's too late to fix it...

Good luck Karina! Love yourself. Start now.

Thanks Patricia. I will write to you. I've been looking for a good therapist anyway =)

I think you had two really good points. First that I need to get UNSTUCK. Second that I need to get rid of this darn baggage...

I've been reading through my previuos posts and I'm a little embarrassed. They're so dramatic. Sorry everyone! I've left them up and unedited in the event they actually resonate with anyone else. But I think another major issue for me is simply the darn estrogen. I went off my endo's suggestions and started taking shots again. I messed up the doses though and got a 1348 estro count (about 7 times normal). As time goes on I'm starting to feel sane again... so mental note... stay away from large doses of estriadol =).

And thank you Patricia. I think the bottom line is I'm not approaching my current situation rationally. I need to find some way of doing so in the future as it's seriously affecting my life.

And thank you to everyone else for their help and encouragement! It's really meant a lot to me these past few weeks. I couldn't have gotten by without it.

-Kelly

Thanks again to everyone for their help and advice.

I've managed to sort some things out with myself and with my family and things are looking a lot better =)

Now how do I kill this whole self-indulgent thread?

I've gone back and re-read my posts and I'm motified... lol...

You're Kidding aren't you..... There is Trans in their 50s and 60s who are Pre Op and might never have GRS..... FFS stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life.... Jesus H Christ.... Why is it all Americans seem to think the world revoles around them and owes them an existance....

You Can Ban me now.... This place Sux

Tazz wrote:You're Kidding aren't you..... There is Trans in their 50s and 60s who are Pre Op and might never have GRS..... FFS stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life....

Up to this point, I agreed with Tazz. But also gave the original poster credit for saying:

KellyAnn wrote:...Now how do I kill this whole self-indulgent thread? ... I've gone back and re-read my posts and I'm motified... lol...

However, reading this thread was good for me, because I often struggle with my own discontent at being (now 55 years) old and unable/unwilling to destroy my marriage and family in order for me get FFS, get SRS, transition etc. It has shown me that others who have been able to do many of the things I would like to but cannot, still suffer from many of the same issues that torment me. That taking the steps I have been denied would not necessarily have added to my happiness. And that I can be thankful for whatever little progress I can make toward feeling whole, in whatever form that takes.

I have managed to get 300+ hours of facial electrolysis during the past year and a half (probably have at least another 200 hours to go). For this I am very thankful. I am not deluded into thinking this is feminizing my appearance, which is sadly, painfully and unequivocally masculine. But it helps so much with how I feel in my own skin. Removing these bristly growths is such a relief. They have plagued me ever since puberty, providing the most acute focal point for the feelings that my body is not my own. This change, plus the fact that I finally have the correct hormones to make my brain feel better and cause the comforting growth of my tiny but significant (to me) breasts, has caused my existence to approach something like the balance I have always wished for.

So thank you, Kelly Ann. Thank you first for giving me a chuckle about a young lady such as yourself thinking that she has transitioned too late. And thank you again for reminding me how lucky I am to be female on the inside, even though I cannot show it much on the outside and will never able to transition at all.

May you find the peace you seek.

With sisterly love,
Janice G.

Don't feel too bad about yourself. Better late than never, right?

Some other people are having it worse: either later than you or too fear to go on transition (that's me). So, if you pass well during your transition, and undergoing the right path on the course of transition, and even have GRS in sight, I must congratulate you for making such a bold move and I wish you can be happy with your new identity.

Hi,
After reading your post, I do have a bit sympathy for you. But, you are so fortunate in so many ways. Many of us endured a lot of pain, and did not come out as well as you did, me included. What I would give to be as fortunate as you. You may not have had the luxury of growing up as a girl, but you are still young, have a good job and people who care about you. When I tried to transition, I was disowned by everyone I knew, and had to quit transition to save my job. I knew a TS whose parents commited her to a psyche-ward and subjected to electroshock treatment, and knew of (did not personally know her) one who was seiously beaten into a coma.
Seeing young TGs should not make you feel bad, but give you hope that in the future we will be accepted as regular people. Yes, it painful that we did not get to grow up as we would rather have, but we must accept ourselves as we are.
Gina Renee

GinaRenee157 wrote:Hi,
After reading your post, I do have a bit sympathy for you. But, you are so fortunate in so many ways. Many of us endured a lot of pain, and did not come out as well as you did, me included. What I would give to be as fortunate as you. You may not have had the luxury of growing up as a girl, but you are still young, have a good job and people who care about you. When I tried to transition, I was disowned by everyone I knew, and had to quit transition to save my job. I knew a TS whose parents commited her to a psyche-ward and subjected to electroshock treatment, and knew of (did not personally know her) one who was seiously beaten into a coma.
Seeing young TGs should not make you feel bad, but give you hope that in the future we will be accepted as regular people. Yes, it painful that we did not get to grow up as we would rather have, but we must accept ourselves as we are.
Gina Renee

Thanks Gina. I was committed to three seperate psych. wards by my parents for GID among other things (from age 14 on). But I did get lucky. I've also known a girl who was beaten so severely she went deaf. So yes, I understand.

I hope you were able to resume transition. I also had to "start over" with friends, work, a clean resume, etc. It's tough, but it can be done. Don't give up! You make new friends. You get a new job. See it as a second chance, not something you're losing...

Tazz wrote:You're Kidding aren't you..... There is Trans in their 50s and 60s who are Pre Op and might never have GRS..... FFS stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life.... Jesus H Christ.... Why is it all Americans seem to think the world revoles around them and owes them an existance....

You Can Ban me now.... This place Sux

Spoken like someone who really understands what the pain of this life is like. Thanks...

Age doesn't matter. We all suffer. I've spoken to girls that transitioned at 19 and they have regrets over not doing so before puberty.

I don't think the world revolves around me. You're obviously just resentful because you're in a situation you feel is much worse. Same with the other poster who says my only saving grace is admitting my post is "Self-Indulgent".

Really, thanks for the sympathy and support. You DO realize why this site is here don't you? You DO realize that we all go through the same things? That we should be in this together? Or am I somehow invulnerable because I transitioned successfully at age X?

You really think my heart wasn't scarred by 27 years of living in the wrong body? By 20 years of testosterone?

Sorry but get over YOURself